The hierarchy of fulfillment…

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

At some point during almost every day or multiple times I will feel like a failure as a father, husband, in business or just about anything I do.

I am not sure if anyone else feels or thinks these thoughts regularly. I’ve never really spoken to anyone in depth about it. The thoughts typically are not serious and I will get over them. How long they stick around depends on how long I dwell on them.

Some of the problem stems from my endless need to be achieving something almost all of the time. I discussed this in a recent post see here.

The trap that I will often fall into is I will feel I am not doing enough in one area of my life, then I think I’ll need to do more to fix it but, that will mean I will neglect other areas and fail in them.

The other compounding factor is I regularly over think things and often spiral down into completely implausible negative scenarios. So I’ll think X will happen at work, if that happens I won’t have a job, then I’ll lose my house etc. All the thoughts are madness and I often can calm down by stepping back but if left unchecked it can run wild.

An instance of this played out today. I am currently on paternity leave. But I have to get something done for work, my thoughts went along the lines of;

• I need to concentrate on that. I’m tired and don’t have much time so maybe I won’t be able to do that properly.
• That means I might make a mistake.
• That could be a disaster.
• That could mean I don’t have a job and I’ve failed in business.

Completely mental I know but that’s what minds do.

I pulled myself back. Walked through that what I have to do doesn’t have these huge consequences and I’ll get what I need to get done, done. I’ve done this many times before and it will work out just fine. Problem solved? Not quite.

It wasn’t just the work matter that caused me mental turmoil. As mentioned I’m on paternity leave and so this is a special time with my son who is now just one week old. So on top of the work issue I then went on to think, I am wasting this special time thinking too much about work and ruining time that I will never get again. This point did have some merit.

So what am I doing about this issue of over thinking things and using energy on mind contortions.

Well meditation really does help. It helps me quiet the mind see what’s going on and see thoughts simply as thoughts that arrive and disappear. It also helps stop the spiral down I find.

Meditation though at the moment I am not doing as regularly as I should as I am out of routine.

So what else am I doing? Well I sat with my son this afternoon. This then satisfies my hierarchy of fulfillment.

I developed this in my mind a while ago when I looked at life and thought about when I get to the end what is it I will want to have achieved and, what really forms my identity and gives me fulfillment.

I have a list in my mind of things that fulfill and are important to me and have them ranked. The items at the top I will make time for, and something lower on the list can be sacrificed to fulfill something higher on the list. So for instance my family is number 1 on the list so I can sacrifice doing something else if time needs to be spent with the family or they need me. I then can justify not getting other matters done as the hierarchy has been satisfied.

This system has helped me prioritize what’s important to me and really help me try and focus on things that are important. It’s also helped me form an identity and work out what makes me, me.

I still need to stay busy and do things but hopefully I’m getting better at doing the things that will make me feel most satisfied first. I am still perfecting following the hierarchy, but it is helping soothe me and feel comfortable that I haven’t answered that email or I haven’t replied to that text message.

I encourage you to assess your hierarchy of fulfillment and what gives you fulfillment and makes you, you. Write it down if you have to, one thing I would say, don’t share it with everyone it’s yours.

Sometimes I wish I could just watch Netflix…

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

“You get that from your father.” This is a common saying from my mother when referring to one of my bad traits, as all bad traits come from him apparently (joke).

I don’t know if the trait I am discussing today is bad or not but, at times it’s frustrating. Also I don’t know if I get this from my father as I can see bits of it in both my parents.

The issue is sometimes I wish I could just sit and watch Netflix and be content. But I can’t! I’m a doer, I get very frustrated when I cannot get things done or feel I am being unproductive. I always need to feel I’m getting something done. When I sit and watch TV or do something similar I often feel guilty that I am not achieving anything. I sit and think there are things that need to be done and can’t relax.

Probably having this disposition is one reason I enjoy Ultrarunning so much. It gives me a sense of achievement and it takes a large amount of time. A calming time as running is one of the few times when my mind is at peace and I feel that I am doing the best thing I can possibly be doing at that moment.

This is particularly frustrating for me at the moment. My wife gave birth to our second child on Monday. Currently that means, I can’t plan anything. I can’t train (seriously at least). I can’t book in a race to do. So one of my main sources of achievement is currently off limits. But even other everyday things I use to prove I am “achieving something” are difficult, small things such as I may not finish a library book before I have to return it.

This issue I have presented itself on my last night at home before my wife and son returned from the hospital. My wife texted and asked what I was doing and I replied “I’m watching cricket, doing a some work and will then write a blog.” I should have been relaxing enjoying the week but I struggle to just sit.

Leading up to the birth was also frustrating as I was restricted in what I could do. Normally we would be at the beach on holiday, many of our friends and family were away. But we needed to remain close to the hospital as our new arrival could come at anytime. My wife was restricted in what she was able to do given she was 9 months pregnant. So I had to find things to do to keep myself busy. This included researching and writing a 15,000 word short story which, I then thought was terrible. I planted a vegetable garden, ran as much as possible and did as much work for my job as possible but that was difficult as much of Australia was on holidays.

This time with my newborn son is magical and he’s a magic little creation. I am enjoying it and am trying to slow myself and enjoy the moment, but I still have a nagging in the back of my mind to achieve something.

So there is a good chance these blog posts will increase as I do feel a sense of achievement when I push post (the quality may reduce given I’ll be blurry eyed, but some may say the quality couldn’t decrease further (joke)). So this small thing being done regularly may help me sleep at night although I need my baby boy to play ball with that to. Maybe this time will help me learn to relax a bit more and maybe even watch a little bit of Netflix occasionally without feeling guilty.