Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash
At some point during almost every day or multiple times I will feel like a failure as a father, husband, in business or just about anything I do.
I am not sure if anyone else feels or thinks these thoughts regularly. I’ve never really spoken to anyone in depth about it. The thoughts typically are not serious and I will get over them. How long they stick around depends on how long I dwell on them.
Some of the problem stems from my endless need to be achieving something almost all of the time. I discussed this in a recent post see here.
The trap that I will often fall into is I will feel I am not doing enough in one area of my life, then I think I’ll need to do more to fix it but, that will mean I will neglect other areas and fail in them.
The other compounding factor is I regularly over think things and often spiral down into completely implausible negative scenarios. So I’ll think X will happen at work, if that happens I won’t have a job, then I’ll lose my house etc. All the thoughts are madness and I often can calm down by stepping back but if left unchecked it can run wild.
An instance of this played out today. I am currently on paternity leave. But I have to get something done for work, my thoughts went along the lines of;
- I need to concentrate on that. I’m tired and don’t have much time so maybe I won’t be able to do that properly.
- That means I might make a mistake.
- That could be a disaster.
- That could mean I don’t have a job and I’ve failed in business.
Completely mental I know but that’s what minds do.
I pulled myself back. Walked through that what I have to do doesn’t have these huge consequences and I’ll get what I need to get done, done. I’ve done this many times before and it will work out just fine. Problem solved? Not quite.
It wasn’t just the work matter that caused me mental turmoil. As mentioned I’m on paternity leave and so this is a special time with my son who is now just one week old. So on top of the work issue I then went on to think, I am wasting this special time thinking too much about work and ruining time that I will never get again. This point did have some merit.
So what am I doing about this issue of over thinking things and using energy on mind contortions.
Well meditation really does help. It helps me quiet the mind see what’s going on and see thoughts simply as thoughts that arrive and disappear. It also helps stop the spiral down I find.
Meditation though at the moment I am not doing as regularly as I should as I am out of routine.
So what else am I doing? Well I sat with my son this afternoon. This then satisfies my hierarchy of fulfillment.
I developed this in my mind a while ago when I looked at life and thought about when I get to the end what is it I will want to have achieved and, what really forms my identity and gives me fulfillment.
I have a list in my mind of things that fulfill and are important to me and have them ranked. The items at the top I will make time for, and something lower on the list can be sacrificed to fulfill something higher on the list. So for instance my family is number 1 on the list so I can sacrifice doing something else if time needs to be spent with the family or they need me. I then can justify not getting other matters done as the hierarchy has been satisfied.
This system has helped me prioritize what’s important to me and really help me try and focus on things that are important. It’s also helped me form an identity and work out what makes me, me.
I still need to stay busy and do things but hopefully I’m getting better at doing the things that will make me feel most satisfied first. I am still perfecting following the hierarchy, but it is helping soothe me and feel comfortable that I haven’t answered that email or I haven’t replied to that text message.
I encourage you to assess your hierarchy of fulfillment and what gives you fulfillment and makes you, you. Write it down if you have to, one thing I would say, don’t share it with everyone it’s yours.
Biff the Runner 